Live-Blogging The Fricking Oscars

12:15 - Nicholson totally lied when he said The Departed won. It was really Little Miss Sunshine. Liar.

The Departed ain't that good, kids. It's a bunch of hard-ass guys swearing in Boston accents, and Nicholson waving a rubber dick around. The story is totally preposterous. It only won because they decided it was going to be Scorsese's year. Complete sham. Oscars suck. Good night.

12:13 - Best Picture. Here we go. I can finally go to bed.

Nicholson and Keaton. Didn't Nicholson give Best Picture last year?

Apparently, Nicholson is playing a cancer victim in a Rob Reiner movie, hence the baldness.

12:12 - Lucas was staring around like a mental patient. Honestly, I'm starting to understand why his movies suck so bad. He's got frontal-lobe damage.

12:09 - All right, all you Scorsese-heads. He finally won one. You CAN ALL SHUT UP NOW!

12:08 - George Lucas is a fat blob. If Scorsese doesn't win he may cry.

12:07 - Forest, it's just an Oscar. You didn't cure cancer, dude.

12:05 - Forest Whitaker wins. O'Toole sort of gasped for a second, then started clapping. We may need a defibrillator for O'Toole.

Whitaker is having another breakdown like at the Golden Globes.

12:03 - Gosling. What a cut-up.

Well, O'Toole's still awake. That's good news.

12:02 - That orchestral version of Walk the Line while Reese was walking out - gag.

Best Actor. Goody.

12:01 - Degeneres is vacuuming.

Pot-humor - never fails.

11:56 - Helen Mirren. Nothing but silver-haired old ladies tonight.

Holy crap, Penelope Cruz - she is cheesed she lost.

11:53 - Best Actress. Finally. God, did Philip Seymour Hoffman just get done sleeping in a refrigerator box?

11:50 - That wasn't too sad. Most of those people were old.

11:45 - Yes! Dead-people reel!

Jodie really should consider not going bare-armed anymore.

11:41 - Best Editing. That's all the farther we are? Best Editing?

The Departed wins. Is that Martin Scorsese's grandma?

11:29 - John Travolta (Propecia!). Him in that fat-suit from Hairspray - lord.

Melissa Etheridge wins Best Song for that crappy ditty from An Inconvenient Truth. The Dreamgirls songs aren't that good.

Al Gore inspires us to care about the earth. He doesn't inspire me to care about Melissa Etheridge or her dopey wife.

11:26 - Beyonce tries so hard. Too bad she sucks.

11:23 - I just found the WMD. They were hidden between Jennifer Hudson's bazooms.

Ooh, Beyonce v. Hudson. Beyonce's voice sounds so thin compared to Hudson's. Beyonce really is nothing but a piece of ass.

11:15 - Little Miss Sunshine guy wins Best Original Screenplay. Somebody was robbed. Not sure who. Quit paying attention several minutes ago.

11:12 - Wow. Academy president Sid Gannis. Doesn't get anymore electrifying than that.

Kiki and Tobey. Jesus, McGuire looks more like a serial killer than usual.

11:09 - Babel guy wins Best Score. He looks like Andy Serkis.

11:07 - The "Volverine?" They put Jackman and Cruz together just for that joke. Beyond weak.

11:03 - Wow, Eastwood speaks Italian. Crabbie speaks Italian too. Chef Boyardee is magnifico!

10:55 - Ennio Morricone scored Orca?

What the hell does this Celine Dion song have to do with Ennio Morricone? I'm lost.

I can't even understand what she's singing. Did she make up her own language? Canadians are weird.

10:49 - An Inconvenient Truth wins Best Documentary. Oh God. Al just kissed Tipper. That was something I never, ever wanted to see again.

Great. Now Al gets to give another speech. I guarantee they will not drown him out.

10:48 - Seinfeld makes humorous observations. That's what he does. He's observational and humorous.

10:45 - She talked Chinese.

Seinfeld? Why?

10:43 - Eva Green's hair is...interesting.

Nobody cares about documentaries.

10:38 - A fiver says Clooney bangs Hudson in the bathroom.

10:36 - Jennifer Hudson wins. Dumb-asses cut away while Beyonce was hugging her.

God, now Hudson's going to gush on about her damn grandmother.

Rinko Kikuchi was robbed. All Hudson did was give attitude and sing a couple songs.

10:35 - Supporting Actress. I can't wait. Hudson's going to win, and Beyonce's head is going to go off like a watermelon with giant firecracker in it.

10:34 - Degeneres just got molested behind that screen.

10:31 - The Lives Of Others wins Best Foreign-Language film. See? It always works - make a movie about how rotten Germans are, you win an Oscar.

10:30 - Nice artsy-fartsy clips package. I feel so edified now.

What? No Elvira Madigan?

10:24 - Catherine Deneuve's face is disturbing.

Oh great, another clips package.

10:21 - Robert Downey Jr. makes fun of his own rampant drug use.

Naomi Watts's dress looks like it may fall off.

Pirates 2 wins for visual effects. Watts can barely get the words out. Is she retarded? Did Downey give her something backstage?

10:20 - Everyone's going to say Degeneres was great tonight. She's okay. Better than Stewart (despite what I said before). Way better than Letterman.

10:17 - The only thing worse than interpretive dance? Interpretive silhouette dance.

10:15 - Pan's Labyrinth wins Cinematography. I thought Children of Men was supposed to win. It didn't.

10:13 - Eastwood. Applesauce. Note pinned to sleeve.

10:11 - All right! Christ, Jean Hersholt was a great humanitarian, and even he would want to kick Sherry Lansing.

10:09 - Jean Hersholt humanitarian award! Hersholt was in Heidi with Shirley Temple. Just thought I'd mention.

God, Sherry Lansing's neck.

10:06 - Oh my God. Tom! Poshy picked out that suit? It's boring. He's boring.

10:04 - Yay. Marie Antoinette. Crabbie's favorite movie. I hope it wins.

Yes. Marie Antoinette for Costume Design.

I find Jason Schwartzman oddly attractive. Is that bad?

10:03 - Ellen Degeneres wants to jump Anne Hathaway. She may get her chance, too.

I thought Maggie Gyllenhaal was fugly till I saw Emily Blunt.

Look, Meryl Streep made a face.

Costume Design. Hey, look. A kilt.

9:58 - Come to think of it - where are Tom and Katie? Has anyone seen them? Are they being saved for the end, I wonder? Poshy was supposed to style them and I wanted to see that. Damn, the one thing I was looking forward to - now there's nothing left but the dead-people reel.

9:53 - The Departed wins Best Adapted Screenplay. Borat was robbed!

9:50 - Tom Hanks. Propecia!

9:47 - I love it when Affleck tries to act like he knows something.

9:44 - Diaz is pretty mellow. Looked like Gosling wanted to molest her.

Happy Feet wins Animated Feature. Cars is dissed. Take that internal-combustion driven carbon-dioxide emitting machines!

9:37 - Seinfeld's on blow.

The Oscars have gone green. Kind of like my shit.

Shut up Al. We know. The world is ending. We sort of wish it was ending faster, so we wouldn't have to listen to any more of your speech.

Wouldn't it be great if DiCaprio slipped and called him Al Whore?

Al Gore is such a cut-up.

9:35 - Jeez, Melissa Etheridge really means it doesn't she?

No, you're not an island, Melissa. You're a freaking continent.

9:32 - Randy Newman has been nominated 17 times. That means he's written 17 completely atrocious songs. 18 if you count I Love L.A.

9:27 - Interpretive dance! Can I kill myself now?

9:22 - Wahlberg got arrested 29 times as a kid? Oh, I bet he's thrilled they brought that up.

If there's a God that old fart Arkin will win...

"I am his father!" That's all Hounsou does in that film. Besides look hot.

Wait, if there's a God Marky Mark will win. And whip his pants off!

Ha. Murphy dissed. Take that, Velvet Jones!

Arkin wins. Good.

9:21 - This idiot wrote a speech. Drown him out!

9:18 - Jessica Biel. Dirty Disher just chucked her Nerf ball at the screen.

James McAvoy? Never heard of him.

Apocalypto is nominated for a bunch of stuff but it's not going to win. Because everyone hates Mel Gibson.

9:13 - Elements & Motion. What?

9:06 - I'm disturbed by Nicholson's head.

My God - what a creepy shot of Gwyneth Paltrow.

9:04 - I want to punch Will Smith's kid.

9:01 - Kids are so adorable. When they're being quiet.

Stop giving uncle Crabbie a headache, sonny. And go mix me another Bloody Mary.

8:58 - What the hell just happened? Was that little musical bit actually funny? I don't know what to do...

Pan's Labyrinth wins again. Gayest movie ever.

8:49 - Maggie Gyllenhaal has an annoying little-girl voice. What was that about a densitometer? Does that measure how dense a person is? I wonder if there's a fugitometer. Maggie would break that.

8:47 - Kidman and Craig totally want each other.

Pan's Labyrinth wins best Art Direction. That means it's gay.

8:46 - Daniel Craig = jughead. God, he's so serious. Kidman can barely talk.

8:43 - Holy shit. DiCaprio looks just like his mom.

Djimon Hounsou. Yes. He's diverse. Cause he's black. Black people are diverse, Ellen.

8:41 - Nicholson is bald.

8:40 - Degeneres is flopping. She's worse than Jon Stewart.

8:38 - Degeneres looks like a bellhop.

8:36 - Better give out Best Actor first. O'Toole may not last another hour.

Finally, the damn intro ends.

8:35 - This intro is like the world's longest, most boring cellular phone ad.

8:24 - Come on Marky Mark. Whip off your pants. Show us those skivvies.

8:19 - Gosling is there with his sister and mom? Where's Rachel? Uh-oh - trouble in Dullsville.

8:15 - Note to ABC - hire professional interviewers.

Oh my God, Cameron Diaz is so stoned.

8:09 - Oh my God. Who is this chick interviewing the Devil Wears Prada people? "Slam-dunk all the way across." I wish someone would slam-dunk your head into a slab of concrete.

8:07 - Andre Leon Talley is so uncomfortable. Stop talking about Jennifer Hudson's shoes. Let's see the foot-fat, Jennifer.

8:04 - All right, I thought the damn show started at 8. What is this shit? Lisa Ling? Naomi Watts looks pregnant.

God, Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts - what a couple of giggling nitwits. "What do you girls do for fun?" Inject each other with BoTox?

8:03 - Lamest intro ever.

8:01 - The Oscars! The first slam at George Bush is in the books.

7:59 - Reese's dress has gills.

7:49 - Here we go. Live-blogging the Oscars. Ten minutes or so till the start of the ceremony. So far, the red-carpet has been the most boring in history. No outrageous Cher-like fashion disasters. Few hideously uncomfortable moments between Seacrest and his interviewees (got a bit testy with Cate Blanchett for a second though, didn't it?). Biggest cock of the evening so far - Eddie Murphy. Jesus, that guy takes himself seriously. You were in The Adventures Of Pluto Nash, Eddie. Stop.